It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
