My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
