Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
