Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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