Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
