I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
