Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
