shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
