my phone needs a breathalizer
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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