she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
