I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I party with great urgency now.
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