I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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