You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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