mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize