Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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