Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
