First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
