Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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