I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
