Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize