I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
