why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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