I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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