Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
