Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
