Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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