Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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