You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
