Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
