I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
