you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
