Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My life is pants optional.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
