I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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