Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
