Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
