i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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