I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize