Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
