Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize