never play flip cup with pint glasses
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
