i think my tv is drunk
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Everclear isn't food dammit
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
