so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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