i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Randomize
