Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
