Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
