A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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