I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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