A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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