you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
