we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
A bitchslap is in order.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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