The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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