Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
