Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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