New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
