On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
