I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
