Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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